ion
posted on Mar 19, 2008 - 02:06 AM
Noosa,
I don't know you, but I know what your going through. I have similar feelings towards my mother. I confessed them to my Priest, (I'm Romanian Orthodox, in an OCA Church). My Priest, himself, had a very bad relationship with his mother, that he is still sad about. He told me that it is absolutely imperative that I learn to forgive her, because she does not know any better or else she wouldn't do it. Of course it's always easier to tell someone the right thing to do, when your not experiencing the passion firsthand. In this case: rage. But nevertheless, my priest's advice was correct. I do have to forgive her, how though? There is no easy answer to that question. If i sit and try to rationalize why my mother says what she says, or does what she does, I will go crazy, because they are incomprehensible. And this is exactly what I used to try to do, when I lived with my parents. I used to rationalize by thinking: -"she had a rough life, she does not know any better."-
This would grant me some peace, and would temporarily give me the ability to think I was actually forgiving her and on my way to a healthy relationship with her. But this all collapsed on me several times. I don't know what your mother is like, but my mother was able to get a response from me, no matter how much I prayed about it, no matter how calm I was. The simple fact of the matter is that, she is your mother!! And any rationale used to try and develop some sort of psychological understanding towards her, will end up fruitless. Because we don't want to understand our mothers, we want to love them with our whole heart, and more importantly we want them to love us!! All the resentful feelings of despair and anger stem exactly from this lack of that most crucial experience with the one we would like to hold most dear. I am not only blaming my mother for why she is the way she is, I am blaming her for not giving me that very thing which I thought was my birthright: her love for me. The fact that she was unable to give that to me, makes me believe that I am therefore unlovable, unworthy, and undeserving of anything good. So then, of course I will be angry, not just angry but filled with rage, that I did not get that most important thing, from the only person capable of giving it to me. How could I not hate my mother for that!
This is the argument we are up against! And of course, it is a very potent one, that the words I typed above don't even begin to express fully. And to this terrifying battle, my priest gives me what is seemingly a puny remedy, which is also an ultimatum: "You have to forgive her"
The most frustrating thing about the whole matter though, is that even if I decided not to forgive her, but lash out against her, treat her like my enemy, take revenge upon her, by saying hateful things towards her every chance I got, and then going on to become a success and proving her wrong... would this really solve the problem. In the end, my mother's love would still be lacking from my heart. The most frustrating thing, is that we really don't have anyone else to fill that hole that was left by her. Not of this world anyways....we can't depend on a woman (if your a guy) to give that to us, because if we are to get married someday, how would we cope with being completely dependent on our wives for comfort and purpose, how would our wives cope? Not well, and that could very well end in disaster for both people involved.
Is there any other answer really, other than seeking God for this? You are asking whether or not you should speak to your Abouna. The answer is most definitely YES!! Not because he is going to solve the issue, but he will get the ball rolling for you. It's not going to be easy, but there is no other way. I don't mean to be so harsh. I am going through a very hard time myself right now, and can't be more helpful than this.
I hope that you gain something from what I've said, and I hope that you are able to overcome this passion of rage. Especially during this time of lent. We know that Jesus went out into the desert to conquer all the passions through fasting. We are told in the Orthodox church, that the ascetical life is the only life worthy of the true Christian, and it is by living the ascetical life that we can overcome the desires that keep our minds on things of this world.
Now when I say ascetic I don't mean monastic, I just mean trying to abstain, as much as we are able from our cravings, and to begin to focus on the world to come.
Talk to your Abouna ! He is going to get the ball rolling for you, I promise you that much. You need it!
Joined: Sep 06, 2005 | Posts: 36
